Thursday, September 28, 2006

Why do I feel this way?

Bloghopping today has left me feeling more sad and confused than relaxed and contented as I usually feel. Chanced on some audio blogs and could not help myself but admire at the amazing talent we have out there.
So, I should be happy that I got to listen to some amazing stuff, but why am I feeling depressed? Why am I feeling as if I have betrayed myself?
I am feeling I am in the wrong place! I should have been somewhere there too.... What am I doing with Java? I do not belong to the world of endless for-loops, countless if-else statements, unecessary customizations! oh God! what have I done to myself?
I should have been playing with swaras and thaalas. I should have been choreographing dance dramas!
Now when I look back, 15+ years of music and dance learnings have all gone down the drain! Why did I ever let it happen this way? The hands which were capable of playing raaga-thaana-pallavi on veena now can't even think of playing one full keerthane :(
Me, who could give 3 hour dance (Bharathanatyam) performances cannot even run for 30 minutes continously on the treadmill (yuck!! what a terrible comparison! Art to exercise!).
So what happened to the artist-me? She is lost. Lost in this mad mad world. I made a mistake. I should have never given it a "break", thinking that I could always get back to it!
I miss those days, when I used to get into a totally different world while playing Thyagaraja's compositions or Purandaradasa's devaranaamas endlessly on my veena. When I became Rukmini of Krishna on stage, or Sita of Raama or Shabari waiting for Raama, or Rukmini's mother helping her elope with Krishna ;-), or just a dancer emoting so many abhinayas on stage, dancing to the intricate choreography of my dance teacher. Damn! I miss it too much.
So should I just drop everything that I have and go after what I am "passionate" about? I wish I could do that! The problem is that I enjoy work too... I like being in this corporate world. I love my job. It's challenging, fruitful and nice.
So the big question still stays: "Am I in the right place?"


Anonymous said...

tough one that..but maybe once things settle down, u can do take up the arts too.

Anonymous said...

paapee pet kaa savaal hai, uh oh! :-)

- s.b.

Anonymous said...

seriously though, how come you are not participating in the kannada koota get togethers (or are you)?

- s.b.

Vin said...

hmmmm.... you can always pursue ur art with ur job.... u might just need to organise ur time a little here n there.... i guess u cud enjoy ur job and ur dance together and that wud be fun !!

pavan kumar said...

blessed are those who get paid for what their interests are.. but how many are like that?

it is all about which comes in the top of the prioritization matrix..

PS: you could teach some interested students at UTD.. my friend here teaches classical singing.

shark said...

@tarini: Yes that is a possibility. But I miss it now :(

@s.b: Which Kannada Koota are you talking about?

@vin: The problem is not time, it is location. With my job profile I am not in one place for long.. I keep rfoaming around the world.. in such case it is difficult

@pavan: teaching? Right now I am not in touch... so forget that! On top of that I am not even sure how long I will be here.. so I can't commit to anybody! :(

Kavi said...

Looks like i have company !! :)

I have figured, that one can always get back to passions and interests. I used to play avid tennis in the heydays of my youth.

I got back to it, some time back, after the body bloated like a hydrogen balloon. Not quite at it, like i used to, but hey, once a while, i hit that perfect shot, and am so very happy for myself.

The corporate world is a different being. And it takes quite a lot to stay in here. I have discovered, that getting back to basic passions and interests is one such way.

good luck to you !

Anonymous said...

As you said that you also love being in the corporate world so all you have to do is strike the right balance between two things you love most.
Coz above all its all about doing the things which we love.
And lemme tell you that not much people are gifted with an eye for music or arts.
So just start both, love both & love yourself for loving both.:)

shark said...

@kavi: Yes I should surely get back to it. It's feels nice to know that there are people who feel the same way as I do and have even got back to their passions!

By the way I have just now pit my hand into tennis.. lets see how far I go with it ;-)

@ WOW! That was really nice words :) I hope I can do that soon.

ssk said...

hmm WHO IS in their right place ?? ;-)

Me & A lot of my friends have considered this quandary and have decided to just go with the flow.

Hardu said...

If one can manage both at hte same time it is good. But many a time it is not possible and one has to just accept it and decide which one is closer to the heart and what one wants more and do that. One cannot have it all.

Anonymous said...

hey shark:

could you please put up the blogs urls that you hopped so your readers (ok, i) can yenzoy the music too?

- s.b.

shark said...

@ssk: Some lucky people are. At present I am also gooing with the flow and am also quite happy about it. But sometimes such thoughts inevitable..:(

@hardu: Surely one cannot have it all... but at the same time one cannot stop brooding over what one does not have.. that's basic human nature.

@s.b: Here are some... which I found are very nice.

Anonymous said...

i am not much into south indian languages other than kannada, so cannot comment on two of the three blogs that you put up. however, i bloghopped from vidyus, and found these folks who have some good hindi songs ...

- s.b.

p.s.: now maybe i should also start a music blog - will need to get the prereqs though (a mic that works :-) + some karaoke tracks). why don't you do something like that too?

Anonymous said...


you went with the flow, so did many of your friends, and many many others (and me) too. it is going against the flow that is the challenge - the small issue with that is that for every one narayana murthy, there are probably 1000 - equally capable dudes - who went nowhere. and this is true being an entrepreneur in the usa too.

btw, why did you not provide a link to this post of yours?

- s.b.

Anonymous said...

But the good thing to do, is overcome that nature and be happy with whatever you have. No point brooding right? You won't gain anything by it. So either make your dream happen or just let it go. If you can make it happen, there is nothing like it. But if you cannot make it happen, then just let it go and try to accept it. But if it means so much to you, then make it happen. Where there is a will there is a way! So FIND a way!

December Stud said...


I guess you just summed up what tons of us have always felt and thought. Do we really have to convince ourselves that we do what we do for "hoTTe pADige" ? Or can we be satisfied with the "vRutti - pravRutti" concept where JAVA is the "vRutti" and art is "pravRutti". Maybe that's the right spirit, what say ? At least, I am happy with this outlook, for now.

ssk said...

Sorry shark to put this comment here
@ the anonymous S B
hey thanks for dropping in my blog. The reason for that blog was cos I felt proud of my friend and in a way I was glad he went against the flow.
I kinda forgot :( that i had blogged bout this.

Anonymous said...

shark, thou art everywhere!


you are welcome - i understood that you were proud of him, which is why i asked what i did (anyway, you did say that you forgot ...). enjoyed sampling your blog. haven't had time to read all!

- s.b.

shark said...

@s.b: Music doesn't have any language :) You should have been able to appreciate atleast the melody. Anyway good that you found hindi blogs as well..:)

ha!ha! me and sing now? Even the donkeys will run away listening to me..;-)

@hardu: Everything in this world is not so black and white. Sometimes you like to have things, but you know you cannot have it.. but that does not stop you from liking it.
I completely agree with what you say, no 2 thoughts about it.. it's the "implementation" that is difficult and hence this blog :(

@december stud: Thumba correctu whatever you have said. That's the same outlook I have for now also... But was wondering if I can make my pravRutti as my vRutti..:)

@ssk: hey no probs! My comment space is dedicated to my users you can use it however you want to use it ;-)

@s.b: was there any doubt? I AM everywhere ;-) **muhahahahah**

mysorean said...

Well, see, if you love being in the corporate world then there's no problem. It might just be that you don't like it as much as you love playing the veena or singing. So, just take some time off for a while... I mean a break of say a month or so from your job and do what you love to do most. You will see so much more beauty in life than you see now! All the best! :)

shark said...

@adi: Yes truly had to start my other interests atleast part-time :)

GuNs said...

Unbelievable !
Thats the question I ask myself almost EVERY day I get up in the morning. I ask myself why I why I go to the godforsaken place every morning and then sit in front of a damn computer for eight hours exausting myself. I should be a sportsman, a singer, a guitarist, a writer, an RJ !!

God knows when I will come to terms with life if I ever will. Wish me luck and I'll do the same for you.


shark said...

@guns: Looks like a lot of us are sailing on the same boat!
All the very best to you... I wish both of us get back to our interests atleast at some point in life!

Anonymous said...


check this guy - he is awesome (most other singers that i heard have some vestiges of a non-hindi accent, not this guy. and his nasalization is practically non-existent. much better than kumar sanu!)

also, check out this site where i found him

- s.b.

Veena Shivanna said...

why don't you join for this time's tyagaraajara aaradhane at Usha's place. will keep you updated, pls block your calendar buddy!