Thursday, June 29, 2006

Random access....trrr...spprrrt...error! 404 Mind not found!!

Yes! I am confused. I don't know what's happening to me.. I can hardly concentrate on one thing these days...**am I becoming more crazy than I am already?**

I can't do a simple thing as talk-on-the-phone without thinking about something else!!! Come on girls are *supposed* to be experts in gossiping... But I realised lately that I will be speaking to people but something else will be going on in my mind...

I am just unable to read a book at peace.... None! *yes! none* of the books can hold my attention for more than 10 mins.. I get bored!

And for the first time in my life...I FAILED in an exam!!!!!!!!!!!! ***well..yes I have never failed in an exam before... this is not me! no! no! no!****. Today I had gone to take up driving written test and this happened **booohoooo** and the reason? I was thinking about
this! Can you believe it? I am supposed to be writing an exam for heavens sake!!!! What's happening to me???

I have henceforth decided that I am not going to read newspaper from tomorrow... It upsets me too much... things take control of me too much... My mind is too much disturbed by the suffering of so many people...

Coming back to that link above... I am disgusted to say the least!!! Purification of a temple because a "woman" touched the god!!

Is it a curse to be born as a woman?

First of all we suffer from so many things.... Except for a fortunate few like me (I should really thank my parents for giving me so many oppurtunities to succeed..never denying me anything that I wanted to do!)... women are treated nothing less than shit.... they are denied education "come on.. what will you do studying? All you have do later is cook and have children why should I waste money making you study" - This was the answer one of our house workers gave to his daughter when she wanted him to send her also to school!!!

Do we have an identity in the first place? Take for instance our names... first it is with my fathers name in it.... and then after I get married... my husbands... where is ME in that? Why can't I have just my name??? I am first somebody's daughter and then Mrs.Somebody... why can't I be called as just ME???hello!!!! anybody listening????

Ok leave somebody said "what's in a name!".

Why has god made us physically like this????? Why do we have to suffer endlessly? Month after month! year after year for atleast 38 years!!! Can somebody imagine that.... 38 years of hardship! pain! Why do we have to go through child birth? Oh shit man! thinking about it makes me shiver with fear! And yet after all this listen to "you are just a woman"!

Greatest joke of the millenium "Indian Army can do without women!!" what kind of a statement is that from a man of such high calibre??????????

A woman is not even allowed to live alone with peace... predators will be waiting to pounce on her... so people end up getting married for "security" (though ultimately they get abused by their beloved husband himself!!). Anyway that's another matter altogether... but why is a "widow" looked upon with scorn and a "widower" with pity????

My heart would bleed everytime when my grandmother was denied "kumkum" when she went to others houses becasue she was a widow... I wept for her... I wept for her... when her name "could-not" be put in any of her childrens' wedding cards because she was a widow.... Is that all a mother gets after getting to raise children all on her own after loosing her husband in an early stage?

My heart was torn to pieces when even her "last-rites" was based on her "widow" status! I hate all this! I hate this to the core!!!!! Was she not a person by herself at all? Was she only somebody's wife??????!!!!!

Why can't people realise the importance of women? Why can't they realise that they could have never come into this world if their mother never had them in her for 9 whole months!

So, finally coming to the dreaded question... WHO AM I?

I am too confused.. I don't know what I am doing? Why am I writing this blog? Why am I feeling miserable being a woman? Why can't I just scream and run away somewhere really far!!!!!

I wish...

* I can stop thinking about some hazaar things... and concentrate on what I am doing currently - I am doing something called as "coding"..which I am sure with this state of my mind will not even pass my own unit test!!!! I will be too confused to find bugs.. leave alone fix them!

* My grandmother was alive... and I could sleep next to her in the night...

* I had not failed this damned test!!!! *crap*

* All men and women are treated equally! In every aspect of life!

* I wish I could say to my father "Don't worry appa, I will take care of you" (Yes. He is very orthodox, he refuses to take even small amount of money from me! For some house renovation... not that he does not have money.. he has plenty of it..**smiles**, but I wanted to have some contribution to my house.... But no! After all I am his "daughter" how can he take money from me *gasp* !!!!)

* I have a son like Calvin :D - who would keep me on my toes... and keep my mind thinking always..;-))

* I wish I can be a dutiful wife... making my husband happy always (I am sure I will never be one! I am too independent and too-much career oriented to do some sacrifices for him!)

* I stop ranting on and on in my blog!

* I get some nice bright and funny ideas to write about (can somebody suggest me something.....please)

* All desi's in America feel proud that they are Indians! (hah! I know this can never ever happen!)

* I could stop writing such stupid posts!



pavan kumar said...

hmmn.. since Mr.P's post.. your posts have been spewing out fire :D

arey chill! maybe some things you could write about: long weekend plans? or want to get tagged on the latest thing doing rounds: "5 weirdest things about self"? :)

shark said...

@Pavan: Yes I am spewing fire.. why? don't ask me.. I have no clue.. Not because of Mr.P .. I forgot about him long back! He doesn't deserve to be remembered by great old me so much..;-)

5 is a very small number da... I can find atleast 100..:D

Yes I will write about my trip... after the long weekend..:)

Prakash said...

Hey Shark, Whoever says that the GOD himslef can loose sanctity just because he was touched by a woman does't know anything about religion. Our vedas suggests that the ultimate source of power is SHAKTI and all GODS have taken birth from HER only. How can someone loose sanctity by getting touched by a woman when the ultimate source itself it a WOMAN.

Women really need to stand up for their rights and I am sure their are much more mature and capable of claiming them.

shark said...

@Prakash: I know this, and you know this.. But why does the so-called religious heads don't understand such a basic thing??? Beats me!

P.S ALL: By the way I cleared the driving test today with 100% marks..:D:D:D

Hardu said...

You are out on a trip? Where to? Haven't heard from your since ages.

Girl Interrupted said...

chill girl....dont get frustrated.....I think I ma rubbing off on u...:)

Ravi Gorrepati said...

"Is it a curse to be born a woman?"
Did you ever ask your grand mother what she thinks of it? I dont know about yours but mine would not have replied in affirmative.
I cannot help but wonder why girls feel this way. Of the limited exposure I had with girls/women, its mostly the educated and the overseas;) lot who struggle with this kind of questions. Many a time Ignorance is bliss:). Education, goddamnit, has put you(and others including me) into a never ending spiral of demanding answers for tough questions. Now, I am all for equal opportunity towards women; I am just saying that education has its side-effects too.
Somewhere in your earlier posts you asked what the purpose of life was. The essense of life, as I see it, to an extent, is to meditate on such tough questions.

Enough for today;)

shark said...

@hardu: Hoon kane.. I had been to San Antonio and South padre Islands.. Fundoo trip it was... the complete details will be soon out here :)
I had mailed you on your gmail id.. But then I didn't get reply, so thought you are enjoying yourself with your parents, and that's good. We will chat aaraamse as usual once you are back!

@GI: Oho.. now I understand.. is it all because of you...;-) :P

@ravi: First of all welcome!:)
My grandmother was never ashamed of being a woman.. neither am I. I was asking that question to others because they were "purifying" a temple becasue a woman touched the god!

An educated woman feels this way becasue she can "see" the descripencies! Other women are blissfully happy in their own houses and don't know the outside world.

I hope I can find answers for all my questions some day (am I asking for too much here..;-)?)

veena shivanna said...

yakamma istond helplessness?
astond bejaar aagbedi..! Its all about life.
Just enjoy doing all that which was in your 'I wish' list.
Take money from your daughter okayna..!