Random access....trrr...spprrrt...error! 404 Mind not found!!

Yes! I am confused. I don't know what's happening to me.. I can hardly concentrate on one thing these days...**am I becoming more crazy than I am already?**

I can't do a simple thing as talk-on-the-phone without thinking about something else!!! Come on girls are *supposed* to be experts in gossiping... But I realised lately that I will be speaking to people but something else will be going on in my mind...

I am just unable to read a book at peace.... None! *yes! none* of the books can hold my attention for more than 10 mins.. I get bored!

And for the first time in my life...I FAILED in an exam!!!!!!!!!!!! ***well..yes I have never failed in an exam before... this is not me! no! no! no!****. Today I had gone to take up driving written test and this happened **booohoooo** and the reason? I was thinking about this! Can you believe it? I am supposed to be writing an exam for heavens sake!!!! What's happening to me???

I have henceforth decided that I am not going to read newspaper from tomorrow... It upsets me too much... things take control of me too much... My mind is too much disturbed by the suffering of so many people...

Coming back to that link above... I am disgusted to say the least!!! Purification of a temple because a "woman" touched the god!!

Is it a curse to be born as a woman?

First of all we suffer from so many things.... Except for a fortunate few like me (I should really thank my parents for giving me so many oppurtunities to succeed..never denying me anything that I wanted to do!)... women are treated nothing less than shit.... they are denied education "come on.. what will you do studying? All you have do later is cook and have children why should I waste money making you study" - This was the answer one of our house workers gave to his daughter when she wanted him to send her also to school!!!

Do we have an identity in the first place? Take for instance our names... first it is with my fathers name in it.... and then after I get married... my husbands... where is ME in that? Why can't I have just my name??? I am first somebody's daughter and then Mrs.Somebody... why can't I be called as just ME???hello!!!! anybody listening????

Ok leave that...as somebody said "what's in a name!".

Why has god made us physically like this????? Why do we have to suffer endlessly? Month after month! year after year for atleast 38 years!!! Can somebody imagine that.... 38 years of hardship! pain! Why do we have to go through child birth? Oh shit man! thinking about it makes me shiver with fear! And yet after all this listen to "you are just a woman"!

Greatest joke of the millenium "Indian Army can do without women!!" what kind of a statement is that from a man of such high calibre??????????

A woman is not even allowed to live alone with peace... predators will be waiting to pounce on her... so people end up getting married for "security" (though ultimately they get abused by their beloved husband himself!!). Anyway that's another matter altogether... but why is a "widow" looked upon with scorn and a "widower" with pity????

My heart would bleed everytime when my grandmother was denied "kumkum" when she went to others houses becasue she was a widow... I wept for her... I wept for her... when her name "could-not" be put in any of her childrens' wedding cards because she was a widow.... Is that all a mother gets after getting to raise children all on her own after loosing her husband in an early stage?

My heart was torn to pieces when even her "last-rites" was based on her "widow" status! I hate all this! I hate this to the core!!!!! Was she not a person by herself at all? Was she only somebody's wife??????!!!!!

Why can't people realise the importance of women? Why can't they realise that they could have never come into this world if their mother never had them in her for 9 whole months!

So, finally coming to the dreaded question... WHO AM I?

I am too confused.. I don't know what I am doing? Why am I writing this blog? Why am I feeling miserable being a woman? Why can't I just scream and run away somewhere really far!!!!!

I wish...

* I can stop thinking about some hazaar things... and concentrate on what I am doing currently - I am doing something called as "coding"..which I am sure with this state of my mind will not even pass my own unit test!!!! I will be too confused to find bugs.. leave alone fix them!

* My grandmother was alive... and I could sleep next to her in the night...

* I had not failed this damned test!!!! *crap*

* All men and women are treated equally! In every aspect of life!

* I wish I could say to my father "Don't worry appa, I will take care of you" (Yes. He is very orthodox, he refuses to take even small amount of money from me! For some house renovation... not that he does not have money.. he has plenty of it..**smiles**, but I wanted to have some contribution to my house.... But no! After all I am his "daughter" how can he take money from me *gasp* !!!!)

* I have a son like Calvin :D - who would keep me on my toes... and keep my mind thinking always..;-))

* I wish I can be a dutiful wife... making my husband happy always (I am sure I will never be one! I am too independent and too-much career oriented to do some sacrifices for him!)

* I stop ranting on and on in my blog!

* I get some nice bright and funny ideas to write about (can somebody suggest me something.....please)

* All desi's in America feel proud that they are Indians! (hah! I know this can never ever happen!)

* I could stop writing such stupid posts!

THE END!

I am untouchable even after death!

I wanted to write a very happy post... But some things just don't want to leave me. I can't even turn a blind eye to these issues. For the time being the most I can do is rant about it in my blog! Though this does not help anybody... I see no other way at this time atleast to do something about it. I hope with few people reading my blog atleast the mindset (read hypocrisy) change.

Before continuing reading my blog, please do read this!

Are we so in-human? Can't we even give them a decent burial? First of all they lead such dreadful lives (I refuse to accept that people get into this profession by choice... It's more by force than for pleasure!)

Ok. First things first... Why are they there? Why do they practice prostitution? If there were no "visitors" no-one would have done that! So it's ultimately the same demand-supply principle! People (the so-called normal citizens) demand it... And hence these people are there and practicing it.

So how come they become un-touchables?? *surprise* I really don't want to get into the details but do people simply see them and come and never touch them in those places? Then how come just after coming out of that place they are suddenly not to be even looked at!!!

The society is so full of hypocrites (people... Don't start scolding me that I have something against Indian men now... Please.. I am talking in general.. These kind of people are not "respected" in any part of the world for that matter!).

Now obviously the government can't do anything about it.. Because prostitution is still not legal in India. So, as a responsible society why can't we do something about this?

Now, you have understood me wrong if you think that I am in anyway supporting this trade! This is the most dreadful thing of all! I am sure all these people can find some other jobs to fill their stomach... But that's left to them.. I mean if they want to fall to cheap levels.. It's their wish.

But as someone being a society member... Don't you think it's our own responsibility to give them a chance for atleast a decent burial? Are they asking for too much? After all man... They are dead! What more harm can they cause (assuming they have caused "some-harm" before!)?

*sigh* *double sigh*.. With all these things we are supposed to be the "civilized-species"!!! When we can't even respect fellow specie member... Are we even anywhere close to civilization?

Car.. car... yellnodi car..

****BIG SMILE****

Me and D finally bought a car...:D I am so happy... This is my first "own" car...

Well this is how it looks like, Though this is not the actual one.. Mine is mettalic grayish green in color.

I am happy...happy...happy.....

By the way it's a Dodge Intrepid :D

Why are people ashamed to be Indians?

I am totally irritated today! You can actually make hot pakoras on top of my head, because I am really burning with anger/irritation!!!!

How can people stoop such low levels! Why can't people be satisfied with what they have? Is there no limit to greediness?

OK... I know till now I have made no sense! My mind is not clear! So be sure to endure my blabbering for some more time... (If you can/wish to!)
Oho! Why am I being mad at you readers?? It’s not your fault, it’s somebody else’s altogether!

Let me tell you the story behind my grumpy behavior, so that you can continue to read my blog. Else I am sure you will just close this and go!

Today evening, we (my project team) had gone out for a drink... The company, for which I am doing a project, is one of the most culturally diverse organizations. I mean, you can find people of all countries and cultures here. Needless to say Indians are a majority. So, in our group of 11 people, 3 are Indians, 2 Pakistanis, 1 German, 2 Taiwanese and 3 Americans!
The topic of discussion was obviously… World-cup football :) And though there were "some" inputs from us Indians, I must confess that it was not too much... so after some time, the others realized this, and generally asked us to update on the latest of cricket...

One of the Pakistani in the group commented that “I would easily get a visa to India if there is a cricket match and I have to watch it... But I will never get a Business Visa". He was in-fact right, because he had tried so many times already and was unsuccessful in getting a business visa!

Now here is where Mr. P pitches in... (He is the one whom I am bitching about in case you haven't figured it our already!!) :

"Ha!Ha! Ha! That's so typical of India.. and it's governance! They will NEVER do
anything right! They are always like this! Highly impractical! I appreciate
America! It is so free! I love being here!"

So? what's the big deal? The whole world is not America! I do agree that India is still a long way to go in terms of catching up with the "west".. So what? I am quite happy with how my country is.. and I know that we are improving day by day and one fine day we will also be where America is! (*Think* Though I am not sure if I want it to be this way! *Think*)

If he had stopped at that...maybe I wouldn’t be writing this blog. But obviously since I am writing this.....
Here are some more of Mr. P The Great's statements!

"Thank god I did not fall sick when I went to India for
my vacation this time! "

Hello! 30 years of your life you have lived in India... and now just 5+ years in America makes you fall sick on your visit to India???!!!

"Oh India is a BIG MESS!!! Total Chaos! God only knows
what’s happening out there!"

So what's your problem? anyway you are blissfully sitting here and bitching about it na.. how does it affect you **grrrrrr**

"Oh My! The pollution levels are so dreadfully high! You can almost choke to death there!"

Oh is it?!! Then how come you are still alive!) : I guess he does not know where exactly the ozone layer in thinner and depleting! Can I hope he reads this!

"There is a saying "Men should earn in dollars, drive German Cars, eat Chinese Food but Marry an
INDIAN WOMAN" "

Ha-ha! ha! - Now it's time for me to laugh!! Why Indian women?? I know... What better bakras can you get whom you can tame and make her dance according to your whims and fancies! Western women will obviously not listen to anything and everything that you say!

I am too upset to carry on now... I will update with more "Gyan" from this great fellow tomorrow...

Maybe I would have cooled down by tomorrow and award him a Nobel prize who knows:-/!!!

June-16-2006: Since I am updating this blog with more of his sayings, it obviously means I haven't cooled down yet.. Does anybody have ICE???

Again the pakistani said "I keep thinking that Pakistan is fighting a loosing war.. India is atleast 5 times bigger and definitely more powerful. We have no chance!"

THE Response:

"Awww come on... India can't win
anything! It's a totally crappy system out there. By the
time they get
an
approval for backfire, the war would be over! Ha! Ha! Ha"

Hello! Knock Knock... has anyone heard about Kargil? and what happened in that? I am NOT for war! I pray to god every day that we end this stupid war and just live like neighbors. But was it necessary to demean your country like that!

If I go on... the list is endless and truly speaking I am bored to even write everything! I was too tongue-tied to say anything out there! What can you say when somebody from your own country is speaking like this! I mean, if somebody else was speaking this way, then you always tell them that that's not the case always and we are good in our own way!

I do agree that India :

1. Does not have computerised systems everywhere!
2. Does not even have proper roads in the cities leave alone freeways!
3. We get work from "other" countries and live on the "pay" that "they" give!

All this said and done.. I LOVE MY COUNTRY! We are like this today because :

1. We were constantly fighting wars against n number of "intruders". First came the Mughals, then came Portugese, Dutch and then English! Who can "remain" rich in such situations? The English not only ruled us, but looted us for 100 years! That surely is not a short span of time!
2. We are country with the greatest cultural diversity! Any development should heed and adhere to all "kinds" of people, which obviosuly is not an easy task
3. We don't exactly have "freindly" neighbors. There is constant fear of war... and hence we keep investing in military!

But we are progressing against all these odds! And it's a common man's guess that it's not an easy task! IT was unheard of 10 years ago... and now see where we are! We are now recognised as "skilled labour" rather than "cheap labour"!!!!!

K. I will stop it here! I don't want to spoil my mood further by constantly thinking about him and writing about him!

Lifecycle Rewinded!!!

Can't agree with him more!

My 2+ cents:

* Death is anyway inevitable - But why spoil "Life" worrying about death? It WILL happen someday or other. Make the most of all the days you have now!

* Million (or zillion... or whatever is highest!!) dollar question.....where will I be after I die??????
Will I be able to look at earth in a top level view? See everybody who I care for (or even hate for that matter!)?

* Will I be remembered after, say 10 years of my death? Is anybody really going to miss me?

* Why am I here in the first place? Do I have a mission to complete? If yes, will somebody please let me know what is that???? :-/

* Why is there a lifecycle in the first place? Why are we born.. and then grown and then dead?? What purpose does it serve?

I am thouroughly confused! :( What's the point of all this? What;s the point in making earth so hi-tech? Who is benifitting from all this?

When I am 40...

OK. I was having a discussion (more of a timepass kind you can say!) with my manager yesterday. He was quite surprised when he came to know that I am just 26! He said he hadn't even "thought" about working at that age! He was generally loafing around .. Living on meager allowances from his otherwise very rich father, dating different women each day. He also agreed blondes are the best ;-)!
He was in some-kind-of job.. He can't even remember what it was now! He said he was "over-enthusiastic" to finish everything in half the time!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just to give you an insight.. We had (initially) planned for a release on June 5th. Till last Wednesday I did not even have the access to run my code on the production servers!. No points for guessing that I was tensed to the core. I was pestering anybody and everybody whom I could find in office to let me know what I can do to go forward! I also did not have the details of the data that was "supposed" to be migrated! So you can imagine my state! What the hell! How could I do a release in such a situation in 3 days!!!!
People who generally smile at me also would run away from me as fast as they can.. For the fear that I will ask them next! Or atleast nail them down to listen to my pathetic tension filled tale :-/

So finally a meeting was called on Thursday to discuss about the same with "this" manager. The first 30 minutes we figured out what to do next and all... Then started the "timepass". Now back to the story!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, that you had the "insight" - he was telling me not to get tensed about these "stupid" (in his own words!) release dates! He said dates can always be shifted - as if the sky is not going to fall on our heads if we don't give the software on a particular day! Big deal!
This was how he was speaking, and all along I was just smiling... Not knowing what to say or how to respond!

Then, he asked me what all "interesting" things have I done in my life till now?
The typical traditional-south Indian-brahmin girl that I am.. I told him

* I have had a good education! Enjoyed my college life with lots of friends
* Have had quite a good career - have enjoyed my work till date
* Traveled a lot! - Paris, Germany, Now US!
* Have a boy-friend *ahem* *blush*

My! Was I happy after saying this :D

His reaction: Is that all you can say which is "interesting"?

*puff* *puff* All my "happiness" gone!

He said : You have been a very good girl.. You should have been bad also at times! Should have done something wild!
Did he mean? ....Running away from the house! Got drugged somewhere! Got lost in some third world country! And even after all this if I am still alive and the cannibals of Africa have not savored me.. I should have gone back home????

He was all the more disappointed when he came to know that I don't "live" with my boy-friend in India! Then what;s the use of having a boy-friend he asks! What was I supposed to answer?????
Oh You should have seen the surprise on his face when I said that I am going to "marry" this same boy friend and I haven;t had any others before!
I strongly feel, he was feeling very sad for me that I have;t tried the rest of the male species! ;-)

He says finally "You know why I am asking you all this? I am 45 now.. But when I think back, I am very happy that I have done everything in my life. Whether they are good or bad. I have experienced everything. I tell this to the youth of today also, that they should go out.. Explore the world! And When they are 40 something they can look back at themselves and smile and feel happy that they have "actually" experienced Life!"

A very sweet guy!

Now, I am very far from being 40.. So the "thinking back" is also very far away ;-)
But this conversation has made me think how I would be when I am 40!

1) I would be tired, overweight and not to mention OLD!.... some incentives of that might be Diabetes and Arthritis to say the least!

2) Would have 2 kids (any gender does not matter!) who are extremely brattish! Doesn't even care to listen to my requests! Leave alone orders!

3) An extremely sexy *smiles* husband who is the greatest "attraction" for the neighborhood girl next door (just turned 18 and living alone! God help me!) who gives a "sympathetic look" to my husband whenever "we" have a fight and he walks out of the house for a long walk!

4) I have a strong doubt that my husband is having an affair with his super hot secretary! (Come on! I could smell "her" perfume many times near him.. Or wait a sec.. Was it mine **????**)

5) Now just to make my husband feel J.. I purposely spoil my kitchen sink by putting all the waste in the kitchen and call the "Plumber" atleast 3 times a week! (who is known in the area as "THE GUY" who has layed most of the sexy housewives ;-)) But unfortunately he is not even remotely interested in me... Why? Read Point No 1 again :P

**shudder** **shudder** It does not look too rosy does it?
So I am going to make the most of my life while I can... And NOW is the best time.

LO and BEHOLD! BEWARE WORLD... HERE I COME TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOU !!! **muhaah ha ha **